3 Years...

It’s hard to believe it’s been 3 years without my Mama. I’ll admit it’s a little easier to handle but this feeling that hits me periodically still hurts. The feeling of someone’s missing, wishing to hear her voice and wanting to hug her or be in her arms is unbearable at times especially this time of year.

I have nothing prepared this time. Usually, I start writing my entries about mom ahead of time because I have a hard time putting words together. Although I do feel like I'm dealing with everything better this year, I'm literally at a loss for words. All I do know is that I could not let this day pass without saying anything.

I've heard people say a mother's love is the closest thing someone could feel next to God's love. I consider myself lucky to say I've experience this myself. I still feel it and for that, I am thankful. I'm also thankful for the people in my life that continue to be there for me. I know I haven't been at my greatest at times for awhile now and I'm grateful that they are there regardless of that. I'm not going to list a whole bunch of people because they know who they are. Just know that the times you were there, checking on me and the little things that you've done...never go unnoticed and will never be forgotten.

Previously, I wrote about feeling like people that have experienced a great loss like I have are 'members of a club no one wants to be in'. (If you want to see that post, click here)  Over time, it's almost like I'm drawn to other 'club members'. While we all cope and grieve in different ways, I do feel comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. It's a little strange to say this but through this whole process, even though I know I'm not the only one who has lost someone close, I go through bouts of feeling alone; like no one understands how I feel or what I'm dealing with. I would never wish this on anyone...this is by far the hardest thing I've experienced and although I do feel a little stronger, I know I will never be the same.

*sigh* I'm having a hard time writing this so I think I'll stop here. I'll just leave you with one last thing....

Recently, I made a music post about a singer named Jeanne Jolly and how much I love her voice. (See here) I visited her website JeanneJolly.com and saw that she did a remake of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Then I found out that Jeanne had lost her mom to cancer just a few months before I lost mine. I listened to it and cried. I loved it. It's so beautiful, it moved me to tears. I have it playing as the lead song when you visit The Lair.

Jeanne has the song available to download on her site where you can also make a donation to Ovarian Cancer Research. I did...and you can too by clicking here.

Here's a video montage from Jeanne's YouTube channel as a tribute to her mother. (Friendly reminder to pause the music player on the top right before pressing play)

Mama, I love you and miss you so much! I think of you every day. Please come visit me in my dreams!

The Way You Make Me Feel

Michael Joseph Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

And when the groove is dead and gone...you know that love survives so we can rock forever...
- Rock With You

Even as I type this, I cannot believe he’s gone. He’s amazed and touched so many people with his talent. I knew his passing would affect me but had no idea it would be this much. I was out, downtown with my sister when I first saw the news on Twitter. When word came out of his death, I was numb and was fighting tears as I walked around. I came home and immediately started listening to some of my favorite songs, eventually with tears streaking my face. I couldn’t even watch the news, all the reports and tributes. I can barely type his name without feeling knots in my stomach. All I can do is remember and spread love.

My boy, Dwayne Morgan, a spoken word artist who I call my favorite poet posted a poem on his Facebook and I wanted to share:

A Tribute To Michael Jackson

I wasn’t expecting to write this;
It wasn’t on my to do list,
but it’s taken precedence;
After all,
you’ve given me so much,
It’s the least that I can do.
Growing up,
I wanted to be just like you;
The teenage Black boy on my tv screen,
that made people faint and scream,
every time you walked down the street;
they just don’t make them like they use to.
You were one of a kind,
And time will never produce another like you.
You gave the world your childhood,
And refused to let your inner child grow up.
You were the soundtrack to a generation.
You dedicated your life to the well being and enjoyment of others,
and what did we do?
We picked at you like vultures,
Ripping you to shreds,
until you looked nothing like your former self.
Yes, I too made jokes,
questioning whether you were black or white .
Collectively,
we thought that you’d gone off the wall,
but through it all,
there was still a love there;
a place for you in our hearts,
that’s come alive with word of your passing.
Despite the trials and controversy,
you refused to conform to society’s ‘norms’,
and marched to the sounds of your own beat,
in the process leaving us with beats to dance too.
I’m not old enough to remember
the first time a man walked on the moon,
but I’ll never forget the way you moon walked across that stage,
and how you had us trying to imitate you
in the school hallway the following day;
You left us more than just music.
There’s so much more that I feel I should say,
but what’s the point when these tributes usually come too late.
I will have to look at the man in the mirror,
and ask myself what more I can do to make this world a better place.
Truth be told, I’m envious,
Not of your fame or success,
But because there was something in you that we all wish we had;
a love for humanity; pure, beautiful, and naïve.
Despite the situation,
I always held out hope and believed;
I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes,
wanting nothing more than for you to succeed,
against the odds.
I wish you could have known
that you were truly not alone.
Your music will only stop long enough
for the entire world to watch your final show,
and embrace you with the love you’ve longed for.
Even in death,
There will be many who pick you apart,
But no-one can deny the power of your art,
So I say thank you Michael Jackson,
Dead at age 50 from a broken heart.