Random Ramblings Volume 12

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself. I don’t want to be known as “the person who lost their mom”. While I appreciate the love, concern, prayers and well wishes, I just wish things were back to normal…although I know they never will be.

One day at work, I had a room full of patients and one of them loudly says, “So Vee, I heard that you lost a parent…” I immediately felt all the eyes in the room on me and I quietly just nodded, not wanting saying anything. Then they proceeded to ask, “Which one was is it? Your dad or your mom?” followed by, “How recent?” and “What happened?” I swear I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry but I settled for rushing into the back room and breaking down there. *sigh* Some people can be such insensitive assholes.

Lately, I’m finding that a number of people have been trying to befriend me because of the people I know or consider friends. I mean, it’s happened before and I’ve kind of gotten used to it but the number has grown recently. Folks don’t realize that these artists/producers I know are friends beyond their talents and we don’t talk business a lot. I actually pride myself on that. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing…I will NOT be used. Also don’t think that this whole thing is getting to me, it was just an observation. I actually find it quite humorous at times! FYI: if you think I’m talking about you here, chances are I probably am! Lol! I like to think I’m a good judge of character so if I correspond with you, we cool.

Ever think there’s so much you can do but have no motivation whatsoever to do it? I am constantly fighting myself, trying to make myself do things that were once easy for me to do. There’s so much I could write about, reviews and such but I feel like I don’t have the strength and creativity in me to do it. Perhaps it’s part of the mourning process for me but not being able to write and be creative makes me feel like I’m suffocating! Is it good for me to try and force myself to write? Somehow, I don’t think it is…to me, it has to come naturally. Let me know if you’re reading this and don’t agree.

I'm going to end this with a poem I wrote last month and posted on Facebook. I haven't written any poetry for a long time. I've had great responses before. This may seem all over the place...but it's how I'm feeling...lemme know what you think:

I see you
In the sunrise & sunset, so beautiful & bright
I feel you
In the breeze that caresses my face, letting me know you're there
I see you
In pictures with a warm smile & happy eyes
I feel you
Looking down & watching over me
I see you
Through my tears as they stream down my cheeks
I feel you
At least I think I do, holding me to comfort me
I see you
In me when I glance in the mirror & I turn away because it hurts so much
I feel you
Forever in my heart

The Way You Make Me Feel

Michael Joseph Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

And when the groove is dead and gone...you know that love survives so we can rock forever...
- Rock With You

Even as I type this, I cannot believe he’s gone. He’s amazed and touched so many people with his talent. I knew his passing would affect me but had no idea it would be this much. I was out, downtown with my sister when I first saw the news on Twitter. When word came out of his death, I was numb and was fighting tears as I walked around. I came home and immediately started listening to some of my favorite songs, eventually with tears streaking my face. I couldn’t even watch the news, all the reports and tributes. I can barely type his name without feeling knots in my stomach. All I can do is remember and spread love.

My boy, Dwayne Morgan, a spoken word artist who I call my favorite poet posted a poem on his Facebook and I wanted to share:

A Tribute To Michael Jackson

I wasn’t expecting to write this;
It wasn’t on my to do list,
but it’s taken precedence;
After all,
you’ve given me so much,
It’s the least that I can do.
Growing up,
I wanted to be just like you;
The teenage Black boy on my tv screen,
that made people faint and scream,
every time you walked down the street;
they just don’t make them like they use to.
You were one of a kind,
And time will never produce another like you.
You gave the world your childhood,
And refused to let your inner child grow up.
You were the soundtrack to a generation.
You dedicated your life to the well being and enjoyment of others,
and what did we do?
We picked at you like vultures,
Ripping you to shreds,
until you looked nothing like your former self.
Yes, I too made jokes,
questioning whether you were black or white .
Collectively,
we thought that you’d gone off the wall,
but through it all,
there was still a love there;
a place for you in our hearts,
that’s come alive with word of your passing.
Despite the trials and controversy,
you refused to conform to society’s ‘norms’,
and marched to the sounds of your own beat,
in the process leaving us with beats to dance too.
I’m not old enough to remember
the first time a man walked on the moon,
but I’ll never forget the way you moon walked across that stage,
and how you had us trying to imitate you
in the school hallway the following day;
You left us more than just music.
There’s so much more that I feel I should say,
but what’s the point when these tributes usually come too late.
I will have to look at the man in the mirror,
and ask myself what more I can do to make this world a better place.
Truth be told, I’m envious,
Not of your fame or success,
But because there was something in you that we all wish we had;
a love for humanity; pure, beautiful, and naïve.
Despite the situation,
I always held out hope and believed;
I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes,
wanting nothing more than for you to succeed,
against the odds.
I wish you could have known
that you were truly not alone.
Your music will only stop long enough
for the entire world to watch your final show,
and embrace you with the love you’ve longed for.
Even in death,
There will be many who pick you apart,
But no-one can deny the power of your art,
So I say thank you Michael Jackson,
Dead at age 50 from a broken heart.