Sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself. I don’t want to be known as “the person who lost their mom”. While I appreciate the love, concern, prayers and well wishes, I just wish things were back to normal…although I know they never will be.
One day at work, I had a room full of patients and one of them loudly says, “So Vee, I heard that you lost a parent…” I immediately felt all the eyes in the room on me and I quietly just nodded, not wanting saying anything. Then they proceeded to ask, “Which one was is it? Your dad or your mom?” followed by, “How recent?” and “What happened?” I swear I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry but I settled for rushing into the back room and breaking down there. *sigh* Some people can be such insensitive assholes.
Lately, I’m finding that a number of people have been trying to befriend me because of the people I know or consider friends. I mean, it’s happened before and I’ve kind of gotten used to it but the number has grown recently. Folks don’t realize that these artists/producers I know are friends beyond their talents and we don’t talk business a lot. I actually pride myself on that. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing…I will NOT be used. Also don’t think that this whole thing is getting to me, it was just an observation. I actually find it quite humorous at times! FYI: if you think I’m talking about you here, chances are I probably am! Lol! I like to think I’m a good judge of character so if I correspond with you, we cool.
Ever think there’s so much you can do but have no motivation whatsoever to do it? I am constantly fighting myself, trying to make myself do things that were once easy for me to do. There’s so much I could write about, reviews and such but I feel like I don’t have the strength and creativity in me to do it. Perhaps it’s part of the mourning process for me but not being able to write and be creative makes me feel like I’m suffocating! Is it good for me to try and force myself to write? Somehow, I don’t think it is…to me, it has to come naturally. Let me know if you’re reading this and don’t agree.
I'm going to end this with a poem I wrote last month and posted on Facebook. I haven't written any poetry for a long time. I've had great responses before. This may seem all over the place...but it's how I'm feeling...lemme know what you think:
I see you
In the sunrise & sunset, so beautiful & bright
I feel you
In the breeze that caresses my face, letting me know you're there
I see you
In pictures with a warm smile & happy eyes
I feel you
Looking down & watching over me
I see you
Through my tears as they stream down my cheeks
I feel you
At least I think I do, holding me to comfort me
I see you
In me when I glance in the mirror & I turn away because it hurts so much
I feel you
Forever in my heart
One day at work, I had a room full of patients and one of them loudly says, “So Vee, I heard that you lost a parent…” I immediately felt all the eyes in the room on me and I quietly just nodded, not wanting saying anything. Then they proceeded to ask, “Which one was is it? Your dad or your mom?” followed by, “How recent?” and “What happened?” I swear I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry but I settled for rushing into the back room and breaking down there. *sigh* Some people can be such insensitive assholes.
Lately, I’m finding that a number of people have been trying to befriend me because of the people I know or consider friends. I mean, it’s happened before and I’ve kind of gotten used to it but the number has grown recently. Folks don’t realize that these artists/producers I know are friends beyond their talents and we don’t talk business a lot. I actually pride myself on that. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing…I will NOT be used. Also don’t think that this whole thing is getting to me, it was just an observation. I actually find it quite humorous at times! FYI: if you think I’m talking about you here, chances are I probably am! Lol! I like to think I’m a good judge of character so if I correspond with you, we cool.
Ever think there’s so much you can do but have no motivation whatsoever to do it? I am constantly fighting myself, trying to make myself do things that were once easy for me to do. There’s so much I could write about, reviews and such but I feel like I don’t have the strength and creativity in me to do it. Perhaps it’s part of the mourning process for me but not being able to write and be creative makes me feel like I’m suffocating! Is it good for me to try and force myself to write? Somehow, I don’t think it is…to me, it has to come naturally. Let me know if you’re reading this and don’t agree.
I'm going to end this with a poem I wrote last month and posted on Facebook. I haven't written any poetry for a long time. I've had great responses before. This may seem all over the place...but it's how I'm feeling...lemme know what you think:
I see you
In the sunrise & sunset, so beautiful & bright
I feel you
In the breeze that caresses my face, letting me know you're there
I see you
In pictures with a warm smile & happy eyes
I feel you
Looking down & watching over me
I see you
Through my tears as they stream down my cheeks
I feel you
At least I think I do, holding me to comfort me
I see you
In me when I glance in the mirror & I turn away because it hurts so much
I feel you
Forever in my heart
randomly came to your blog through reading toronto tweets...just wanted to tell you that no one can really understand what it is like to lose a parent - especially a mother - until they have been through it. so what i will say to you is that is does indeed change over time. it is never "better" because they are still gone, but you begin to start a new life that is different and you appreciate the small things. you will find you have no tolerance for people's bullshit and you will begin to prioritze and get rid of the excess baggage in your life. life after loss is so, so hard - but honestly 7 years after having lost my mother i know i am stronger and in a way thankful that i learned and grew from this experience. it is the last - and perhaps best - lesson that my mum could have taught me.
ReplyDeletemind you, i still have days when i randomly cry and i miss her every day :) just wanted to let you know that you are going to be okay, and not to watch the insensistive assholes too hard. peace!
Although I cannot relate to the pain and melancholy brought about by losing someone as close as a parent, I do share your sense of loss when it comes to losing someone who's been a part of your life for as long as you can remember.
ReplyDeleteI lost my grandmother eight years ago due to rapidly deteriorating health....we could sense the death whenever we'd visit her, and it was difficult. My mother couldn't stand to remain in the same room with her for more than an hour; she'd break down and take her leave, citing that she could feel the "spirit of death" hovering about.
I didn't understand what she meant, but when she passed away an overwhelming sadness overtook me and I broke. I wept harder than I'd ever wept before, and the next day I found a desire to give up and cease existence right then and there. However, I was given great comfort by something my grandfather told me days after the funeral services were held: "Death is but a temporary detour on the highway of eternity."
After that, I realized that as long as I weep for my beloved, for as long as I allow the flawed concept of finality and nothingness take precedence in my life, I've allowed it to deter me from what truly matters: focusing on the now and the precious nature of the great gift and experience that is the experience of life.
Life is, ultimately, one stop in a greater journey of self discovery and actualization. Everyone will eventually "graduate" from this realm and move on to a higher plane of existence. Peace be with you, dear one.