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7/20/06

Nostalgia…friend or foe?

I’ve been very nostalgic lately. Downloading and listening to music I haven’t listen to for a while. Reminiscing about the past, nothing terrible but I get emotional at times. I’ve felt the need to reach out to people I haven’t been in contact with in a bit. I’m not sure what’s made this all happen but it’s bittersweet.

I suppose it’s a combination of things going around me. Lately, I’ve had this reoccurring dream…actually more of a nightmare that included one of my closest male friends, Jewell. We’ve known each other for so long. He’s married with 2 sons; one of them is my godson. He lives in Ajax and we haven’t been able to keep in touch as much as we’d like. It was only when his 30th birthday came up which was 20 days after mine that we had realized that it was the year previous on my birthday since we’d last seen each other. Anyway, the nightmare was always the same…not totally making sense, flashing from different scenarios and always ends with him talking about our friendship saying, “It’s no use. We’re on different paths, we’ve grown apart.” I’ve had it 3 or 4 times this week and every time, I wake up crying. I finally told myself I have to call him and I’m really glad I did. We were talking about what’s going on (both our father’s health haven’t been the greatest) and talking about the boys when he abruptly said, “What’s wrong, Vee?” We always had this weird sense between us that even though we’re not in touch, our timing when we called each other was crazy. Case in point: the day my father was diagnosed with cancer, he called saying he had a weird feeling and wanted to see if I was okay. Same thing happened when his father fell ill with heart problems and I called. I sheepishly admitted to him about the nightmares and he immediately shut me down to reassure me that ‘I wouldn’t be rid of him…ever’. We spoke for at least an hour that night and promised to get together soon. I vowed that I will make an effort to see him and his family in their new home.

The other thing is cancer has really struck a cord with me. It seems like there isn’t one person around me who hasn’t been affected by this horrible disease. Working at the doctor’s office, I see it all the time but over the last few years, it’s been really prominent. My best friend from high school, Josie’s father had passed a little while ago from it. Linh lost her father when she was very young from it. Linh’s ex lost his mother to it a few years before we met him. Last year, my father’s diagnosis of prostate cancer rocked my family and it still worries me to a great extent. A good friend from work, Giselle, lost her father a few weeks ago after struggling with it for a year and now just this week, another friend from work, Lisa, her mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer. What’s going on with the world? Or is just my friends and I are coming to an age were things were getting harder for our older loved ones? It’s rather troubling to me although there’s nothing we can do except press on and keep strong. My prayers and love go out to all the people I’ve mentioned above as well as all the people who are suffering in some way.

The music thing has gotten me thinking too. With the exception of a handful of artists (yes, John Legend but there are others too! LoL!) and particular songs, nothing REALLY appeals to me. Is it because of age or is there really nothing good out there? Don’t get me wrong, some of the songs that are out now have the ability to get me moving or at the very least, get me swaying or head bobbing but it’s temporary. It makes you feel good for the moment but it never really touches my soul. My MP3 player is filled with stuff from the 80s and 90s, for example: SWV, old Mary J. Blige, hip hop like Tribe Called Quest, Common when he was known as Common Sense, Leaders of the New School, Black Moon, Outkast when they first came out, Pharcyde and reggae like Dennis Brown, Bob Marley, Beres Hammond and Garnett Silk. Wow, I am getting old, aren’t I? LoL! Well at least, when Amanda mentions certain artists and songs that are out now, I know what she’s talking about. That at least reassures me that I’m not totally out of the loop!

I can’t say I’m totally out of the “funk” I was feeling a few entries ago but I’m handling things a bit better. My mind’s just overflowing so much with these thoughts that sometimes I wanna burst! I suppose that’s why I’ve been writing quite a bit lately.

To my readers..however many or few you are, thanks for taking the time to read or ‘hear me out’. This is probably one of the most emotional entries to date. It’s helping me more than you know and more than I’d like to admit.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:12 AM

    HELLO MY GOOD FRIEND =*D IT'S ME JB.. I HAVE READ ALL OF UR COMMENTS AND THANKS FOR MENTIONING ME IN SOME OF THEM .. I KNOW LATLY U HAVE HAD A LOT ON UR MIND AND WE HAVE BOTH BEEN WORKING LIKE CRAZY SO FRIDAY NIGHT WILL BE OUR LIL NIGHT TO YAP ONE ANOTHER'S EARS OFF!LMAO AND U KNOW IF U EVER NEED TO TALK ILL BE HERE FOR U! ALWAYS!!! WELL U HAVE A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP AND ILL SEE U AT WORK TM 345 LIKE ALWAYS FOR OUR LIL BREAK B4 I START WORK LOL! TAKE CARE LADY ..LOVE YA ALWAYS X0X0X-MANDA<3

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  2. Anonymous12:46 PM

    I can read minds. I know you are thinking...what? He finally made an entry! Correct? Told you!

    Anyhow, lets get the lame excuses out of the way...sorry, too busy at work..yatta, yatta, yatta.

    Read your entry there, Smiley!

    You are absolutely correct with all your thoughts and fears. All the things that come with life as you get older, come automatically ...you wish that this is the case when you buy a car...You say "I wish that kickin' cup holder comes with this model"...u know what I mean. Such as life. Dont get me wrong. It's a good thing. Its the cycle. Yes, its going to hurt now and then but the trick is to always look at it positively. Don't confuse it with pretending or masquerading it with something good. This only places a band aid on the situation. At the risk of sounding like Yoda,...search within you. whats good, is recognized. Never lie to yourself or pretend it'll get better. Recognize the flow of things and accept the hardships if and when it meets you. It doesnt last forever, if you dont let it.

    I, too, felt the role reversal. I look at it as my time to do the "taking care of". Welcome it, as oppose to shying away from it and taking it in a fetal position.

    One thing that will better the way one's life is...change. Constantly make some changes and Im not talking about underwear and other private hings ...gross...but change your routine or jobs or trying something that you are afraid of doing..calculated of course, habits etc. Even promising yourself to do something once a month that you have not done before, helps. What this does is prove to yourself and teach you that it can be done...how ever steep the mountain is to you, you can climb it. Do not compare yourself with the other person. Set your own tracks.

    In conclusion, do not deprive yourself of feeling down and out. Do it ONLY IF YOU HAVE TO. Its important to give yourself a time limit when doing this and to stick to it. Snap out of it and start the change as soon as you can.

    Im not saying its easy. Its hard but you reap the reqrds when you barrel through it. This applies to anything you do in life.

    In short, if you dont change, nothing will.

    That'll be $20, please.

    ;)

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