Happy Birthday, Mama

Today is my mom’s birthday. It’s been almost 7 months since she’s passed and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I know that sounds impatient but do not get me wrong, I will never get over losing her and I’m not trying to rush the grieving process. I think about her constantly and miss her so much that I never thought it was possible to miss someone this much. I cry myself to sleep constantly…that is if I even get to sleep.

I’ve been thinking a lot; thinking about what to do with myself to keep me going because sometimes I feel like I’m running out of ideas. I’ve been realizing a lot of things too. This has changed me, plain and simple; whether it’s a good or bad change has yet to be determined but I’m definitely not the same. Going through this process, you really find out who’s really there for you and who isn’t. You find out you’re not as important in their lives as you feel they are in yours. You notice friends who you thought “know” you, don’t really know you at all. I’ve had lots of disappointments in those respects but on the other hand, I found/re-discovered some beautiful connections that I have with some of the folks in my life. It’s amazing how people who are far away can be there for you much more than the people that are close by.

Another thing I realized is that no one understands what you are going through unless they have gone through it themselves. It’s like people who have experienced a loss this great are members of a club no one wants to be in. It links us and somehow we find comfort in each other. Day by day, I think of things, feel things and question things, wondering if I’m the only one thinking, feeling and questioning these things. The other night, I was chatting with a good friend of mine, a fellow “club member”. We had been feeling pretty low and found ourselves blurting out our wonders. She said “Ever wonder where they are? Worry if they’re okay or if they’re upset because they see you struggling and can’t help you?” I said, “All the time”. I asked her, “You ever wonder if they’re always with you like everyone tells you, that they never leave you or is it something we say to people in mourning just to make them feel better because in all reality, no one really knows and they don’t know what else to say?” and she said yes. Then I told her that I wish people would realize that sometimes all you need is someone to hug you or hold your hand a bit and not say anything at all. She agreed, saying that she was just telling one of her friends that same thing. It was good to let that out to someone who really understood. When I cry, the one thing I would want most is someone just to hold me but it hardly ever happens because I hate when people see me cry. I don’t like reaching out to folks about things like this; it’s really difficult for me. I also tend to act like I’m okay when I’m really not. I’m not sure why or how I became this way. I guess I feel like it’s just me being strong.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t ‘the lady that lost her mother’. It’s not that I want to forget what she meant to me…I just long for her to be here with me and to be who I was before I lost her. I don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to cry anymore and I’m afraid that this will never get better.

Loss is by far one of the most difficult things any person has to deal with, at least in my eyes. You constantly wonder if you’re dealing with it okay, if what you feel and think during this time is normal. The truth is, I find, there really is no ‘normal’ way to grieve or mourn. Books, pamphlets, websites and professionals can tell you the stages you may go through but because we are individuals, we all have different ways of mourning and grieving. I’m just trying to keep going, taking one day at a time and really, that’s all that I have the strength to do.

I love you, Mama. I hope I make you proud. I just wish I could hug you and never let go. I miss you so much.