Breakin' Down

Haven’t been feeling myself lately. It’s just a case of burning out but it’s pretty bad. I don’t think I’ve been this bad since ’06. Back then, I hadn’t taken time off for myself in I don’t know how long, work was full of stress and my papa had been going through investigations and treatment for cancer. My thinking was, why take time off when you’re not going away. The other thing I thought was work was just going to pile up on me while I’m gone and I’d be worse off when I came back. I was getting to the point were I didn’t sleep for days at a time and crying every day. It was actually Darien that made me realize that I was really neglecting myself. I asked for some time off immediately stating honestly to my boss that I was extremely close to my breaking pointI only took 4 days that time but it made a HUGE difference. In ’07, I made sure took time and actually went away twice, to North Carolina and then to Philadelphia.

I just realized that it’s almost a year since I went to Philly. Time went by so quickly and here I am back to where I was 2 years ago but I think I’m worse. I’m having episodes where I feel like I can’t breathe. About 3 weeks ago, I went for a drive at night. Usually this helps me relax and clears my head up but for some reason, it didn’t work. Instead while I was making my way home, I started to feel numb and shaky. I managed to pull over into a parking lot. I couldn’t breathe and I started to ball my eyes out. It actually took me a while to calm down which is not like me at all. I ended up calling Jorge and eventually, it eased a bit and he managed to make me laugh a bit.

2 weeks ago, I went with Tracey to see Dwele in concert (pics & vids coming up!). I managed to let go a bit and enjoyed myself but after that wore off, I’m back to where I was. I had another attack last night but this time I wasn’t driving, I was at home. I managed to hide it from everyone cuz the last thing I need is for my parents to worry about me. I tried to manage this episode myself. I haven’t wanted to talk to someone about what’s bugging me. Everyone that’s close to me are dealing with different issues and I feel like what they’re dealing with is much greater compared to what I’m going through so I don’t want to bother anyone. I finally gave in and ended up calling my boy, Rosean. I let out a bit of my frustration and he helped me calm down a bit. (Thanks, Ro xo)

With all this, all I know is that I’m getting into my ‘I don’t give a shit’ mode. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do a lot of things I should be doing or that I would enjoy doing. Sometimes it’s hard to smile and hard to say that I’m good when someone asks how I am because I know I’m lying. The only thing I’m somewhat forcing myself to do is things that I think will take my mind off things even if it’s for a little while like spending time with friends. I normally wouldn’t get this personal on a blog but I don’t care that some may read this and think that I’m losing my mind. I don’t even know if many people read my stuff but I’m hoping just getting this out will help. Writing has always been therapy for me.

I have 2 days booked off this month, the 24th & 25th. Initially I was planning to go to NYC but I decided against it for a few reasons. Now, I’m thinking I’m going to take them off anyway. I’m praying that I’ll last ‘til then.